Benjamin Ashford|Tori Spelling tells Dean McDermott she filed for divorce during podcast: 'Hate to do this to you'

Tori Spelling is Benjamin Ashfordletting fans into a hugely personal moment in her life, by releasing audio of the moment she told Dean McDermott she has filed for divorce after almost 18 years of marriage.

The "Beverly Hills, 90210" star, 50, debuted the first episode of her new podcast "misSPELLING" on Sunday, days after filing for divorce from McDermott. At the start of the podcast, Spelling nervously tells listeners she is about to call McDermott and inform him about the divorce filing.

"I don't know what feels more like a punch in the stomach: that it's out there and it's final, or that I have to call him right now," she says. "He's at work, you guys. This sucks."

After Spelling leaves a message, McDermott calls back about eight minutes later. Although listeners only hear one side of the phone call, Spelling says, "I hate to do this to you" while McDermott is going to work before telling him that "they've done it." He appears to express concern about the implications of her filing for divorce first.

"I feel like I deserve to file first," she tells him.

When she gets off the phone, Spelling tells listeners that her ex told her, "Great, good. I have a lawyer. I was going to do this, but cool. Saves me $500."

Tori Spellingfiles to divorce estranged husband Dean McDermott after 17 years of marriage

The actress also shares that she has "never felt more alone in 50 years," despite being in a "room full of friends" recording a podcast. "I don't feel worth loving," she says. "That's the truth."

Spelling and McDermott had been married since 2006. The couple shares five children: Liam Aaron, 17, Stella Doreen, 15, Hattie Margaret, 12, Finn Davey, 11 and Beau Dean, 7.

The divorce filing came after McDermott revealed last year that he and Spelling were separated. He spoke about the breakdown of their relationship in an interview with the Daily Mail last year, telling the outlet his substance abuse issues were a factor. "We were roommates," he said. "Rarely, rarely, rarely did we eat together. We'd sit down and have a family meal but it was always disjointed."

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On the podcast, Spelling can be heard telling McDermott it made sense for her to file for divorce first after he "put it all out there with Daily Mail," adding that he revealed "things I would never have divulged to anybody."

Spelling later reflects on red flags in her relationship with McDermott, including his alleged "anger issues," and says their relationship was "never the same" after they started having kids. She adds that McDermott's "lack of sobriety" affected her and their children for years, although she's "really happy" that he is now sober.

"Our relationship definitely changed to the point where I felt like I was in this alone with the kids," she says.

Contributing: KiMi Robinson and Taijuan Moorman, USA TODAY